Whoever wrote that Greta Van Fleet pitchfork album review is probably so fun at parties. It was probably written by another pretentious generation X’er completely un-self-aware of his own status as Music Industry Fossil. I could probably take 12 seconds and google the writer to be certain, but to be quite honest, I really don’t care, the impact is the same.

The writer, the human embodiment of finding a fly in your glass, has one of the most boring, out-of-touch, weirdly angry takes on a band I have seen in awhile. Since when does reviewing an album for pitchfork include a searing personal roast on everything from these kids’ clothing choices to essentially calling their interview answers dumb? The opening line is legitimately, “Greta Van Fleet sound like they did weed exactly once, called the cops, and tried to record a Led Zeppelin album before they arrested themselves. The poor kids from Frankenmuth, Michigan don’t even realize they’re more of an algorithmic fever dream than an actual rock band.” I initially laughed when I read this of course, because it’s just so outlandishly ridiculous, but looking again made me think– what are you hoping to accomplish here with this? He clearly recognizes them as the kids they are, referencing several times in an overtly condescending tone their youth and Michigan roots, I thought this was supposed to be an album review not an excuse to borderline bully this band by publishing what reads like a troll’s YouTube comment. He spends the entire “review” looking down his nose at them. How much weed did it take to get your horse that high? Also – what is an ‘actual rock band’? Can you please tell me, oh wise, genius, man-boss of defining what ‘real music’ is? The rest of the review follows the same inappropriately malicious tone. I want to ask someone to please get this very angry man a glass of water. It was never that serious.

Greta are, of course, predictably and fairly compared to Led Zeppelin like they always are. What I don’t understand about these old people is their constant need to attack millennials for their ‘horrible taste in music’ and whine about their nostalgia for the days bands like Led Zep ruled the industry. Then, when a band like Greta Van Fleet finally does love these classic rock bands as much as these pretentious music snobs, they are vehemently criticized for trying their damnedest to recreate that sound.

I’m not sure where in the fucking bible it says all music has to ridiculously witty and clever and mean something – sometimes you can just create some bops you love with your friends. Music is not that serious, it’s literally defined as entertainment, you can create and/or listen to whatever you want. Greta Van Fleet never said they were trying to reinvent the wheel here, or even bring anything new to the music industry; they’re just out here playing music and having a good time. You’re allowed to just make an album completely based on your own love and nostalgia for a pre-existing sound, and clearly people want to hear it, too, Greta has become wildly successful. They have a lot of younger fans that didn’t get to experience classic rock bands like Led Zeppelin in their prime, so getting to see a band like Greta Van Fleet live is a good time. Can you let the kids have this? Christ. And let’s face it – if you can sing like Robert Plant, you’re going to start a fucking rock band instead of going to get your business marketing degree.

This review reeked of misplaced hatred and was just an odd, cynical poor take. It read more like a vehicle for this writer’s frustrations with the direction of the music industry, where Greta function as the scapegoat for all this dying fossil’s grievances and refusal to, quite frankly, understand how shit works in 2018. Keep the fuck up. You’re mad at Spotify, not those kids killing the game. You’re mad at the MTV complex where a band full of good looking young guys will get put on before a ‘balding cover band’. Don’t be so bitter you write a needlessly malicious album review full of more reaches than a goddamn ballet class. Yes, points were made, but read the room my guy, this was the wrong platform to write your opinion piece on the evils of streaming services and carefully curated aesthetics.